Tomik40
Musings of a quadragenarian.
How old is “over the hill?” Is it 40? Is it 50? I remember turning 30 years old and freaking out about how many potential romantic suitors wouldn’t have my age in their Grindr filters anymore. I had flashbacks of the episode of Queer As Folk when Brian Kinney turned 30, and his friends threw him a funeral-themed birthday party. I also remember feeling like a failure because when I graduated high school, I was certain I would make the Forbes “30 Under 30” list within the next decade.
Much of my life has strewn the fine line between extreme ambition and delusion. I’ve always had an entrepreneurial spirit and have been inspired by the idiom, “Shoot for the moon; even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” I sometimes wonder if that has been to my detriment. I think there have been times when I’ve landed comfortably in the stars and felt like it wasn’t good enough. Whether that has been ambition or delusion is situational. I think it will take deep and intentional introspection for me to realize when I can say, “This is where I am supposed to be.”
Today, I turn 40 years old. How do I feel? Well, I haven’t made the Forbes “40 Under 40” list. But other than that, amazing! I went to bed cute and woke up still cute. Imagine that! You’re only as old as you feel, right? The 40s of this day and age do not feel like the 40s of my parent’s generation. This is true for 50s, 60s, and beyond. The characters of And Just Like That are the same age as some of the characters in The Golden Girls. Sometimes, I feel older when I think about the gap between myself and Gen-Z. Like, not me in my daddy era! I recently looked at the top 10 of the Billboard Hot 100 and thought to myself, “Who the fuck are these people?” when reading the names of half of the artists. Other than that, I feel like I’m in my early 30s and often just feel like a big kid with adult responsibilities.
I shudder when I think about the last ten years of my life. My 30s were so hard; of course, it was by my own design. I was so afraid of getting stuck in the corporate hamster wheel that I did everything in my power to be independent of that framework and make it on my own. That manifested in so many ways, from leaving the commission-based salon structure to becoming an independent stylist, embarking on sex work to supplement lost income, and trying to make a business out of any and every one of my many talents. None of those took off the way I imagined, and I spent much of my 30s as the proverbial starving artist.
I developed many skills in that time, though. Some emerged out of necessity, and others came from exploring the fancies of my endlessly curious, creative mind. I’m starting to see what that is worth to people. I’ve been searching for a job for several months. Since last month, I’ve had many opportunities come my way, and I am confident that I’ll have a job by the Summer. I’ve thrown my hat into the ring for jobs I could do with my eyes closed and jobs I would love to grow into. I even threw my hat into the ring for a dream job recently and actually got screened for an interview. Screening for it was enough validation for me to look in the mirror, like Issa Rae on Insecure, and remind myself, “Yo! You’re a fuckin’ bad bitch! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise or treat you as anything less.”
What I’ve found to be the most important during the interview process is not just showing these companies where I have been but making sure they know where I am going. Ambitious-delulu Tomik is still healthy and thriving. I need to work somewhere that is as down to ride with me as I am with them.
Tonight, I get to party with my nearest and dearest. I haven’t had a birthday party since 2017. Seven years! That’s crazy. I’m doing it at a cute little neighborhood bar in Bushwick. When the bar asked me how many people I expected to attend, I told them, “Mmmm, probably 30 to 50.” I woke up this morning to find that the RSVP list has reached 110. 😬 I’ve been communicating with the bar the whole time, and it’s cool. BuI can’t help but think, y’all really like my raggedy, loudmouth ass, huh?
Onward and upward. I predict that the next ten years will really be me stepping into my destiny, and I’m so excited to see how that manifests.