All My Subs Are Married Men

I want to give someone a chain. But they're all married — to other men.

All photography by Ben J. Boyles

Last week, the internet lost its mind over whether gay men should wear padlock necklaces to restaurants. If you missed it, them has the full rundown, but the short version is: someone tweeted that Nasty Pig padlocks at dinner are “negative culture,” queer Twitter erupted, and suddenly everyone had an opinion about what counts as an appropriate accessory for a nice meal.

I watched the whole thing from my phone, and it made me think about this ongoing storyline in my life that I’ve never been able to close the loop on.

Most people, even most queer people, see a padlock necklace and think it’s an aesthetic choice. For people in dominant-submissive relationships, it’s not. When a dom gives their sub a chain with a lock, it means you’re mine. It’s a mutually consensual power exchange. The dom holds the key. The sub wears the padlock out in the world, and it tells every other person in the room that this one is taken. It’s not a necklace you throw on with your going-out look. It’s the closest thing to a wedding ring.

I’m a dom who has wanted to give someone a chain for a long time. I’ve rewritten my cruising profiles to be explicit about what I’m looking for. I’ve put it out there as plainly as I know how, and I still haven’t found it.

I do have subs, though. The sex is great. Our roles are clear, functional, and incredibly fun.

But coincidentally, and I don’t know why this keeps happening to me, the ones I’d actually give a chain to, the ones who made the cut, were already wearing another man’s ring.